review: Chimera Group Encounter

It’s always a group encounter when you fuck a chimera!

Title: Monstchimera experimenters Made Me Gay: Chimera Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

Other Title: Violated by Monsters: The Chimera Experiment

Other Author: Hannah Wilde

chimera gangbang

WhatWhat: Bobby and Alex are experiencing total bed death, and Bobby confesses it’s because he can’t stop thinking about being gangbanged by a group of well-endowed monsters. Luckily Alex is a bioengineer, and he takes Bobby out for a romantic dinner, then back to the lab where he’s whipped up something special: a set of giant-dicked chimeras, ready and willing to fuck Bobby senseless. Senseless is the operative word here.

I didn’t read the het version, but here’s some of the description: After making the move to a new city, Monica and Alex’s marriage is on the rocks, but not for the reason you’d think. In addition to all of the relocation stress, Monica is grappling with her hidden fetish of being taken by a gang of horny monsters. After admitting her dark secret to Alex, things get awkward fast for Monica. But it’s not long before Alex is turning the tables and making use of his new job as a genetic engineer to make his wife’s devious fantasy into reality.

Money Quotes:

He says that the chimeras are probably very excited to see me. (loc 522)

“Whoa,” is all that I can say, the words falling limply out of my mouth as I stare at the engorged members before me. (loc 574)

I want the chimera’s to use me like nothing more than a filthy twink sex doll, pound me as hard as they please while I beg for more. “Fuck me harder!” I scream out to the creature as he slams me from behind, “Slam that tight gay butt!” (loc 612)

Chuck Tingle alert:

Too much, too fast; I pull back and gasp, a string of spit connecting my lips to the head of the monster’s shaft as I struggle to catch my breath. (loc 594)

My God, I’d have thought that string of spit was trademarked.

Best Typo Ever:

Alex shrugged. “It’s been a while, sure. I just fingered it was the stress from the move.” (loc 366)

Verdict: You know the drill: one chimera, two chimera, three chimera, spurt. There is something eerily familiar about the prose, though. The hairs rose on the back of my neck when on the first page Bobby referred to Alex as his gay husband. Hmmmm. I wonder if the lab Alex works at could be on Huntertuck Island?

review: Lured by the Loch Ness Monster

Title: Lured by the Loch Ness Monster

Author: Cassidy Beach

lured by the loch ness monster

WhatWhat: Andrea and her friends, studying abroad in Scotland, take a weekend trip to the Highlands, where she has sex with the Loch Ness monster.

Money Quotes:

That was the big difference between boys back home in America and Scotland. The ones in Scotland were so scrawny! I thought after seeing Braveheart that Scotland would be a country full of huge, manly, strapping men. But not so! None of the boys here seemed to have any interest in going to the gym. (loc 36)

While bringing my pussy to orgasm with the steam from his nostrils, Nessie began playing with my breasts with his giant flipper. His body wasn’t cold and fish-like, it was warm. His warm flipper rubbed my tits up and down and left and right, heating them up. (loc 242)

Verdict: Impeccably captures both the American experience of being “abroad” and the various reasons people there find American tourists annoying. The girl who’s slept with nine locals, and calls them all “William Wallaces,” the narrator’s observation that men in Scotland are all scrawny, their purchasing and wearing kilts: it’s all here. Amazing. It’s competently written and enjoyable, provided you don’t have to deal with tourists in your daily life (if you do, the accurate depictions might prove grating).

review: Lust at Sea

Title: Lust at Sea

Author: Stefanie Quinn

lust at sea

WhatWhat: Samantha, a virgin destined to be a sexual sacrifice to a mysterious creature of the deep, is set on the beach of an uncharted island and ravished by tentacles. The tentacle monster is a good provider, though; the morning after he fucks her, she finds a barrel of fresh water on the beach, a sign that he’s accepted her and will continue to bring her food and water.

Just Where the Fuck is She Sailing From?

Soon, the only thing around us was water. The days turned into weeks; the weeks gave way to years. (loc 37)

I know sailing towards the equator in “an ancient wooden sailing ship” (loc 1) wouldn’t be FAST, but years? Really?

I Know It’s Painful for Some People, but Wow:

I gasped when he took my virginity, tearing my delicate hymen and making me into a woman. Fulfilling my purpose. The pain was incredible- worse than anything that I had felt before. (loc 103)

I hope this poor character never experiences childbirth. Although since she seems to be spending her life with a set of tentacles, I guess she’s safe.

Money Quote:

…at least I was in capable hands, even if they were tentacles. (loc 93)

She has a point, there. I’ve heard far worse first date stories than this one.

Verdict: Short, somewhat Lovecraftian story of tentacle sex, featuring an unexpectedly sweet ginormous sea monster. As sweet as it can be, I mean. It doesn’t bring flowers but it does bring water, which, let’s face it, is more of a priority anyway.

review: Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

Title: Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

vampire night bus

WhatWhat: Rick’s car got totalled, so he has to rely on Los Angeles public transit, and that’s even creepier than it sounds. A homeless guy tells him that Vlad 13, a night bus, is actually a vampire. And, to quote the expertly constructed summary on Amazon, “Soon, Rick finds himself in a gothic castle with a gay bus who want’s to suck more than just blood, in an erotic encounter that will have your heart racing.
Money Quotes:

Of course he thinks the living night bus is a vampire, this is exactly the type of racially insensitive thinking that has kept these sentient vehicles in the position they’re in, working minimum wage jobs without any real way to pull themselves out of the lower class. (loc 48)

“Welcome.” The bus says, opening the doors for me and revealing a giant entryway, which is large enough to fit the bus as he slowly wheels inside and closes the door behind us. (loc 154)

I have to say, I was relieved to see the (apparently rich) night bus could actually enter his own home. I haven’t stopped worrying about that jet plane, forever trapped outside his own mansion.

“Have you ever been with a city bus?” Vlad asks, rolling towards me slowly.

“Once.” I tell him. “In college.” (loc 192)

Verdict: I can’t say my heart actually raced, in spite of what I was promised in the summary. However, this did have a cute twist ending, and I was once again inappropriately reminded of Goosebumps. I hope there’s more in this vein (oops) from Tingle.

review: Pushed by the Sea Pen

Title: Pushed by the Sea Pen

Author: Twisty McCox

pushed by the sea penWhatWhat: Doug is a marine biologist, which is why he’s deep sea diving. He touches a sea pen, and it’s been so long since he’s had sex that he thinks inappropriate things about it. Back on shore, he’s confronted by a grey and green sea monster thing, sea pen jutting out; Doug’s touch aroused him, and now he’s demanding satisfaction.

Money Quotes:

“Jesus, I need to get laid,” he thought to himself, shaking his head as he reached out absently to touch a sea pen that had rooted itself in a rock a little ways from the rest of the colony. “Stop creeping on the marine life.” The pen puffed up as his fingers dragged across it, standing straighter than it had been before. (loc 29)

“What are you going to do about this?” the hallucination informed him, gesturing very specifically at the sea pen jutting from the conjunction of his hips. (loc 53)

Verdict: It disturbs the hell out of me that this was arousing to read. Twisty McCox is a national treasure.

review: Gay Cowboy Billionaire Beast

Title: Gay Cowboy Billionaire Beast

Author: Hunter Fox

gay cowboy billionaire beast

WhatWhat: Tony moves into a new house and discovers an alcoholic horned monster passed out in his yard. The beast is CEO Cameron Lingston, a billionaire who’s been in trouble with the FBI for some reason we never find out, and he fucks Tony in exchange for his silence (about his whereabouts? his drinking? the fact that he’s a centaur with a rack of horns? I honestly can’t tell).

A Few Points:

1. If you are the kind of person who would rip out a perfectly good wine cellar to install a sex dungeon, I don’t want to know you.

2. “Cuming” is not a word.

3. This story ends (somewhat abruptly) at the 65% mark, and the rest is the author info and an impressively long list of his other stories. The number of things out there that can “force you gay” is astonishing.

Money Quote:

“Do you have any liquor?” He asked, looking towards the kitchen.

“I don’t want your money.” I responded.

“You better keep your fucking mouth shut little man!” He shouted, walking towards the kitchen and looking for alcohol.

“I don’t drink, so there’s nothing here for you.” I said, furious in his behavior towards me.” (loc 95-100)

That exchange reads like a cross between Dynasty and The Room, and it gives you a pretty accurate sense of the punctuation, writing style, and characterization. I thought it was glorious; your mileage and tolerance levels may vary.

Verdict: I am so weirdly disappointed that there doesn’t seem to be a Whitney Fox version of this. Yet.

review: Dominated by Monsters: Backyard Beast

Author: Jeniffer Grant

M/M incarnation: Gay Monsters Backyard Beast by John Ellison

backyard beast

What What: An eighteen-year-old girl with ambitions to marry someone “moderately wealthy” so she can leave her parents’ house has her sights set on the next-door neighbour, who obligingly morphs into some kind of red monster and has sex with her in the yard.

Money Quote:

Regardless, it looks like I was right about him having some kind of secret, but come the fuck on, he’s a shape-shifting monster of some sort now?! (17%)

Or possibly this one:

Now that we were in reverse cowgirl, well at least a variant of the position as his cock was jammed up the wrong whole, his hands had full excess to the front side of my tight buddy. (61%)

Yes, that’s three spelling errors in a single sentence.If that doesn’t throw you out of the mood, the sudden tense shifts might; the story bounces carelessly between present and past, on one glorious occasion achieving that mid-sentence:

He didn’t encumber himself with the thought that I might possibly be uncomfortable, or that maybe he’s being too rough. (53%)

I have no idea what kind of monster he is, other than a red one with sharp teeth. I couldn’t picture him or the narrator (although I know she has large breasts), but that wasn’t nearly as big a drawback as the lack of editing.

I have every sympathy with the reality that these things are written to earn money, and the authors don’t want to cut into their earnings by hiring editors, but for the love of porn: please have a grammatically-minded friend look them over.