review: The Tentacle Monster and the Schoolgirl

Title: The Tentacle Monster and the Schoolgirl

Author: Ivanna B. Kinkee

tentacle monster schoolgirl

WhatWhat: Rich girl Kelly Ashby gets sent by her father to Wolsney College, a private women’s college, and on her first night there she discovers just why all the girls fall in line with the school’s strict rules: only the obedient, studious ones get let in their rooms for fun with tentacles. That’s right: there’s a tentacled Thing that gains access to their spartan rooms and provides addictively pleasurable sex.

Money Quotes:

“I was hoping I could – I mean, I’d really like to have some more time with, uh, in my room, sir?” (loc 188)

Run, Kelly. Any school where the students nervously beg the headmaster for extra time in their rooms has something weird going on.

Thick, too much for her mouth, and it seemed to swell once it was inside as it forced her head back to the bed. The first burst of sweetness against her tongue made her jerk, resist the impossible power of what held her lithe body under its control, but then there was another taste of it and she swallowed. (loc 469)

Verdict: When I think of how hard I worked just to stay on the Dean’s List, I can’t help but be impressed by the probable motivational powers of tentacles.

In all seriousness, this was beautifully set up and developed. I am impressed with how steadily it built to its inevitable climax, and by the well-developed world of this story. Awesome, and worth reading even if you think you aren’t all that into tentacles.

Calling her a schoolgirl is pushing things, though; she’s obviously of-age, WHICH IS GOOD. So don’t go into this expecting high school girls. It’s more “the co-ed and the tentacle” territory than “Sailor Moon meets a friendly squid.”

review: HALF-MAN HALF-HORSE, ALL LOVE

As you know, this is the second year running that LRG has reviewed a small (very small), carefully curated selection of Hugo nominees. Okay, one. One each year.

Look, if the Hugo people would take my advice and start a “Short Form Erotica” category for works of space boning and unicorn humping, I would gladly review ALL nominees to that category.

Anyway. I have regretfully concluded that there’s been a mistake. Stix Hiscock should definitely be on the list of nominees, but not for Alien Stripper Boned From Behind by the T-Rex. As important (seminal, even) as that work is, it pales in comparison to this one.

Title: HALF-MAN HALF-HORSE, ALL LOVE

Author: Stix Hiscock

half-man half-horse

WhatWhat: As the narrator is at pains to explain, it’s not easy being a fairy pixie mushroom farmer and unicorn rancher. Her over-protective father won’t let her leave the farm, and her life lacks meaning and boning, until the day they acquire a centaur to help defend the unicorns from the vampire tentacle monster.

Money Quotes:

Sometimes I would go out at night when I couldn’t sleep, and feed them bags upon bags full of pure sugar….I would kiss them on their muzzles, and admire their sleek white forms, the flanks strangely erotic to me as they throbbed with muscle and power, making me think even more about having the arms of a man around me, someone who could love me right, and fill the wet, gaping void I had in my life. Then, once they’d finished up their bags of sugar, I would tenderly hook them up, one by one, to their dialysis machines, which were absolutely essential to their survival due to being fed diets of nothing but sugar day in and day out. (loc 620)

If that is not the most hilariously tragic scene ever written I’d like to know what is.

Then one of the unicorns is killed by a tentacle vampire! And Pa has this to say:

“Been an epidemic of ’em around the country, I’ve heard…And guess what? Barack Hussein Obama isn’t doing a damn thing to try and stop it.” (loc 670)

That’s why you got Trump.

Best line in all of literature:

Pa scowled, not paying attention, and waved a dismissive hand at the unicorpse. (loc 677)

They acquire a centaur at an auction, which I guess is how that works, and soon the narrator and the centaur are involved:

…and our wet, aroused genitals echoing loudly together, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP, KLAP! (loc 910)

But eventually Pa finds out and drives the centaur away. So of course the vampire tentacle monster attacks! There’s only one thing to do:

“Mmhmm…You leave my unicorns alone, and I’ll let you do whatever you want to me…What. Ever. You. Want. (loc 1025)

Lincoln (the centaur) arrives in the middle of this, hoping to save his pixie love, and after some initial confusion and disgust they reach an agreement.

But at last, after several minutes of talking, this was actually happening- a fairy pixie, centaur, tentacle vampire threesome…(loc 1063)

Verdict: Finally someone has provided an answer to the age-old question of How Do You Keep Them Down On The Farm After They’ve Seen Paris: you supply them with a centaur and a vampire tentacle monster. OBVIOUSLY.

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review: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles

Title: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles (Gay Genie Chronicles #21)

Author: Dick Rier

taken-gay-tentacles

WhatWhat: Kris is a warlock trying to defeat someone named Sean so he can return to Alex, the guy he loves.But Sean has, I don’t know, magic gems? And there’s a horny tentacle monster. Someone named Brad has something called a katar named Wetfang, does that help? Also the bad guy is the dean at their university, which adds a hilarious “frat movie” vibe to this whole thing.

Money Quotes:

Kris’s heart hammered in fear as his former Circle brother threw down a pink gem onto the stony floor of the cave. The gem shattered, flooding the room in brilliant, pink light. (loc 102)

OMG, its like an episode of Jem only with gay men. Or like an episode of Masters of the Universe with very few changes whatsoever.

Pain wracked through Kris, and he fell off of Sean. Kris forced through the pain to clutch at his leopard amulet. He chanted the counterspell, throwing off the pain. Something slimy and wet touched his leg. (loc 171)

I so badly want this to be a cartoon series for adults.

Andrew pulled up the SUV at the meeting spot. Alex climbed out, followed by his three husbands and Brad. The concubines crowded the door, peering out the door. (loc 191)

“The least he could be is on time,” complained Faraj, leaning on Heartflame, his yari. (loc 192)

I also want there to be a colouring book, which I will buy for myself and for everyone I know.

Verdict: Usually when erotica is part of a series, the stories are in fact only loosely connected by theme or kink, and you can read them out of order with no problem. That is not the case here, and I’m now wishing I’d downloaded #1 (whatever that was) and gone from there.

Honestly it was well enough written, and compelling enough, that I can’t rule out the possibility that I’ll download the whole thing and binge on them in their proper order. If it’s available in paperback form, I’m getting it. It’s baffling and delicious and I love it.

review: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Title: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Author: E.M. Beastly

he squirms for her

WhatWhat: Seemingly narrated by the adventurous sister who brought the gift of a teddy bear to her stay-at-home twin sister, this is the story of the tentacled Thing inhabiting the toy that used to belong to the daughter of the explorer who found a temple dedicated to a God of Lust. Sounds convoluted? It is.

Money Quotes:

How many do you think you can stuff inside me this time? I want that big purple one to go in first, and I want to suck on the one that produces the best vanilla frosting. (loc 45)

Yes, well, don’t we all. Sadly, reality hasn’t caught up with the desire for vanilla frosting.

Oh, there it is again. The noises do sound like someone is getting a real big cock sucking, eh? And my sister had a very tight pussy. (loc 74)

In the better families people don’t know that about their own sisters. But I digress.

But I think I saw that thing take my sister on the night she disappeared. It lives inside the bear. That’s why it wants me. It wants to fuck me with its hundred cocks. (loc 162)

Verdict: Trying very hard to be Lovecraftian, and succeeding reasonably well. Well enough for the purposes of kindleporn, anyway.

review: Taken by the Octodactyl

Title: Taken by the Octodactyl

Author: Cayden Brookes

I seriously love everything about this cover.
I seriously love everything about this cover.

WhatWhat: Damien and Brad are about to get busy, in spite of Brad being all post-trauma-ish about something that destroyed his boat, when they’re interrupted by a species of flying tentacle monster that takes Damien away for some undersea, goo-laden sex.

Work Relationships at their Finest:

As hot as Brad was when he was angry, I much preferred the horny, ship mate Brad that I’d met and fucked three weeks ago after copious amounts of alcohol and karaoke. (loc 35)

You So Seldom See An Allot in the Wild:

…I noticed that the ocean had grown allot darker than it had been when we first got here. (loc 37)

Money Quote:

That primal look of longing that spoke louder than any language on the entire planet told me exactly what was on its mind.

“You want to fuck me, don’t you?” I asked… (loc 132)

I like a protagonist who knows he’s desirable, but damn.

Verdict: This was fun, and I just realized this is the same author who gave us Pounded by the Rock Man, so clearly he’s one to watch.