review: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles

Title: Taken Hard by Gay Tentacles (Gay Genie Chronicles #21)

Author: Dick Rier

taken-gay-tentacles

WhatWhat: Kris is a warlock trying to defeat someone named Sean so he can return to Alex, the guy he loves.But Sean has, I don’t know, magic gems? And there’s a horny tentacle monster. Someone named Brad has something called a katar named Wetfang, does that help? Also the bad guy is the dean at their university, which adds a hilarious “frat movie” vibe to this whole thing.

Money Quotes:

Kris’s heart hammered in fear as his former Circle brother threw down a pink gem onto the stony floor of the cave. The gem shattered, flooding the room in brilliant, pink light. (loc 102)

OMG, its like an episode of Jem only with gay men. Or like an episode of Masters of the Universe with very few changes whatsoever.

Pain wracked through Kris, and he fell off of Sean. Kris forced through the pain to clutch at his leopard amulet. He chanted the counterspell, throwing off the pain. Something slimy and wet touched his leg. (loc 171)

I so badly want this to be a cartoon series for adults.

Andrew pulled up the SUV at the meeting spot. Alex climbed out, followed by his three husbands and Brad. The concubines crowded the door, peering out the door. (loc 191)

“The least he could be is on time,” complained Faraj, leaning on Heartflame, his yari. (loc 192)

I also want there to be a colouring book, which I will buy for myself and for everyone I know.

Verdict: Usually when erotica is part of a series, the stories are in fact only loosely connected by theme or kink, and you can read them out of order with no problem. That is not the case here, and I’m now wishing I’d downloaded #1 (whatever that was) and gone from there.

Honestly it was well enough written, and compelling enough, that I can’t rule out the possibility that I’ll download the whole thing and binge on them in their proper order. If it’s available in paperback form, I’m getting it. It’s baffling and delicious and I love it.

review: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Title: Monstrous Lust: He Squirms for Her

Author: E.M. Beastly

he squirms for her

WhatWhat: Seemingly narrated by the adventurous sister who brought the gift of a teddy bear to her stay-at-home twin sister, this is the story of the tentacled Thing inhabiting the toy that used to belong to the daughter of the explorer who found a temple dedicated to a God of Lust. Sounds convoluted? It is.

Money Quotes:

How many do you think you can stuff inside me this time? I want that big purple one to go in first, and I want to suck on the one that produces the best vanilla frosting. (loc 45)

Yes, well, don’t we all. Sadly, reality hasn’t caught up with the desire for vanilla frosting.

Oh, there it is again. The noises do sound like someone is getting a real big cock sucking, eh? And my sister had a very tight pussy. (loc 74)

In the better families people don’t know that about their own sisters. But I digress.

But I think I saw that thing take my sister on the night she disappeared. It lives inside the bear. That’s why it wants me. It wants to fuck me with its hundred cocks. (loc 162)

Verdict: Trying very hard to be Lovecraftian, and succeeding reasonably well. Well enough for the purposes of kindleporn, anyway.

review: The Camp Tentacles

Title: The Camp Tentacles

Author: Lexi Lucia

camp tentacles

WhatWhat: Jasmine’s entire hometown has written her off, so she escapes to a “intensive study camp” where she discovers a group of her fellow campers have been enjoying themselves with a tentacle alien that feeds on “women’s pussy juice.” As opposed to men’s?

Totally Convincing Female Point of View:

The two guys were really hot, and I felt my pussy start to respond in my pants…(loc 60)

Back in the real world, on my bunk, I had cum with my hand. I got a tissue and cleaned up the mess. (loc 83)

Money Quote:

The beast had jammed tentacles into every pussy, asshole and mouth that was there, and it was plowing them at a tremendous pace. (loc 130)

Verdict: That’s a little more closeness than I’d want with my cabin mates, frankly, but I have to admit it would beat the hell out of arts-and-crafts on rainy days. Although I’m a little worried about the alien. Is it happy?