review: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Title: Monsters Made Me Gay: Drop Bear Group Encounter

Author: Hank Wilder

drop bear drop bear brigade

Alternate Version: Violated by Monsters: The Drop Bear Brigade by Hannah Wilde

WhatWhat: Landon is working on a banana farm in Australia when the Drop Bears the locals had teased him about show up, seeking anal.

Money Quote:

There’s a joke that people tell you when you plan on visiting Australia, a completely unfounded piece of knowledge that’s been passed around like a rugby ball, or whatever it is that they play over there. (loc 1)

Truth be told, I am absolutely aching to cum right now, and as the drop bears begin to loo me up and down with their little black eyes, I begin to find myself overwhelmed by the flooding sensation of gay arousal. (loc 174)

Verdict: The protagonists of erotica are a hardy lot, able to spring from terror to arousal with barely a pause. In all seriousness though, I’ve heard of worse things happening in Australia, usually involving spiders.

review: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Title: Dinosaur Magicians Pinn and Tucker Make Their Wieners Disappear in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

dinosaur magicians

WhatWhat: Arriving in Los Vegas with his friend and fellow party bro Shibs Bark, Larb sees a billboard and finds himself overwhelmed by (and this is a quote from the blurb) “gay attraction to these handsome dinosaur entertainers.” A private showing makes all his previously-unheld fantasies come true.

Money Quotes:

“You now have a magic dinosaur dick inside of you,” Pinn informs me. (loc 214)

I bet you never thought “what happens in Vegas” covered situations like that one.

Never could I have imagined that I would one day find myself in this situation, furiously sucking off two of the greatest dinosaur magicians on earth and loving every second of it. (loc 254)

Yes. Well. Never could I have imagined myself reviewing it, yet here we all are.

Verdict: I’m not entirely sure what to make of this one. Sure, it’s a “suddenly gay!” group sex scenario with dinosaurs and a happily-ever-after, but beyond that I’m unclear. Is this part of a new story arc? A one-off? Part of the ripped-from-the-headlines hyper-reality commentary? I don’t know how to categorize it.

I’m probably overthinking this, right?

review: A Confederate Flag Turned Me Gay

Title: A Confederate Flag Turned Me Gay

Author: LeRoy Ned Malone

confederate flag turned me gay

WhatWhat: After an unforgettable blowjob through a flag-framed gloryhole, the narrator’s love of the Confederate Flag takes a turn for the erotic, and eventually, the man responsible for the blowjob shows up.

Money Quotes:

I first fell in love with the Confederate Flag when I encountered a small one in the stall of the locker room at the local gym. The flag was taped to the sidewall right above the toilet paper dispenser with a big hole cut right in the center of that beautiful starry blue X. (loc 18)

For the next ten minutes, I pummeled him like a jackhammer while he shouted the name of General Robert E. Lee. (loc 178)

Verdict: This is, honestly, a hard one to review. Parts of it were truly amusing. Had it been written by a genuine flag-lover with a twisted sense of humour, I’d have adored it. But the “If you are offended by this book, then you are either a bigot or you don’t understand satire” at the beginning makes it pretty clear that this isn’t wry, insider humour: this is just a jab at a certain breed of Southerner, because hey, why not kick downward.

Look, I’m not a bigot, I adore satire, and I’m so fucking far north that I’m in another country, and I still thought there was something mean-spirited about this. It’s easy enough to assume that everyone with an unpopular opinion (like clinging to a flag that, for the rest of us, has vile associations) must be hateful “horrible bigots” and therefore in need of mocking, but frankly I like my satire (and my erotica) to show a little more generosity of spirit.

By the end you’d almost succeeded in turning me southern, author, and I doubt that was your intention.

review: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

It is with great sadness that I come to this review, as it may well be the last Hunter Fox entry in the canon. Of course, the author has an enormous backlist, so I expect I’ll be reviewing him for some time to come. Nevertheless, while I hope he enjoys the adventures awaiting him, I can safely say that the world of Kindle erotic shorts won’t be the same if he leaves.

Title: Evil Warlock Haunts Me Butt

Author: Hunter Fox

evil warlock haunts me butt

WhatWhat: Shamus O’Grady has been his town’s drunkard ever since the woman he loved (or thought he did) was taken to Cork at the instigation of his nemesis, Theo McClellon. Now he attempts to pull himself together, and heads to Dublin, but along the way he crosses the lands of an evil warlock…which gives the warlock the power to help himself to young Shamus’ sixteenth-century ass.

Money Quotes:

I hadn’t been to Dublin in nearly five years and couldn’t wait to see my relatives in the massive city. It was rumored to have thousands of people now as civilians! (loc 29)

“Taste the passion, my boy.” The evil warlock said, before pushing the flaming orb at me. I felt a warmth come over my body as the magical substance entered me. It was instantly absorbed into my muscles and veins and I felt a lust for the warlock come over me. (loc 100)

I was the exact opposite of what he was use to, I was small, tight and smooth. (loc 117)

So the warlock is used to large, loose, hairy men? Gross. I’m kind of curious as to how the narrator knows that about a warlock he just met.

So Very Irish:

I turned around, the warlock was heaving and looking down at his glorious cock, which spewed green Irish cum. (loc 152)

The only thing that could improve on that would be if it tasted of Bailey’s Irish Cream.

Verdict: This may well be Hunter Fox’s best work to date. The historical setting was entertaining, the magic being connected to land ownership/tresspassing was a cool detail, and I loved the green cum (uh, loved reading about it, I mean. I would not much love to be confronted with that in real life). Enjoyable enough that I was willing to overlook the American spelling of Seamus, although I would still have preferred the title to be “Evil Warlock Haunts Me Arse.”

In a roundabout way, Hunter Fox is the reason I started this blog–or rather, I started because of a review at SBTB of one of his books. It was a funny, snarky, clever review, but as I read it (and the comments) it occurred to me that I’d also like to see reviews of these that weren’t written in the spirit of “taking one for the team.”

I wanted reviews that, however much awareness they displayed of the flaws and absurdities of this ragged-arsed little subgenre, genuinely enjoyed and appreciated them. So I decided that writing my own short reviews, in that spirit of hilarity and appreciation, might get the ball rolling…

review: Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

Title: Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

vampire night bus

WhatWhat: Rick’s car got totalled, so he has to rely on Los Angeles public transit, and that’s even creepier than it sounds. A homeless guy tells him that Vlad 13, a night bus, is actually a vampire. And, to quote the expertly constructed summary on Amazon, “Soon, Rick finds himself in a gothic castle with a gay bus who want’s to suck more than just blood, in an erotic encounter that will have your heart racing.
Money Quotes:

Of course he thinks the living night bus is a vampire, this is exactly the type of racially insensitive thinking that has kept these sentient vehicles in the position they’re in, working minimum wage jobs without any real way to pull themselves out of the lower class. (loc 48)

“Welcome.” The bus says, opening the doors for me and revealing a giant entryway, which is large enough to fit the bus as he slowly wheels inside and closes the door behind us. (loc 154)

I have to say, I was relieved to see the (apparently rich) night bus could actually enter his own home. I haven’t stopped worrying about that jet plane, forever trapped outside his own mansion.

“Have you ever been with a city bus?” Vlad asks, rolling towards me slowly.

“Once.” I tell him. “In college.” (loc 192)

Verdict: I can’t say my heart actually raced, in spite of what I was promised in the summary. However, this did have a cute twist ending, and I was once again inappropriately reminded of Goosebumps. I hope there’s more in this vein (oops) from Tingle.

Grammarians from Space Forced Me to Write Properly (and also Turned Me Gay)

This isn’t a review, obviously*, but Grammarians from Space is now available from Amazon (and it’s on Kindle Unlimited, so you can read it for free if you have that).

Quotes:

Thing is, to create enough content to survive you have to write hard, fast, and often. I can’t afford fancy stuff like editors or cover designers.
Lately that had been bugging me. Maybe that’s why the Grammarians showed up to teach my virgin ass a lesson. A lesson about manhood, and standards.

I flash back to how helpless and horny she’d been, obediently locking her ankles behind my neck while I pounded her. Now I’m shivering and twitching, waiting for these alien men to use me the same way I used her. I’m an even sluttier, hornier cum-bucket than Candy was.

* Anything written by the authors associated with this blog can be promoted here, but not formally reviewed.