review: Slammed in the Butthole by my Concept of Linear Time

Title: Slammed in the Butthole by my Concept of Linear Time

Author: Chuck Tingle

slammed in the butthole

WhatWhat: Rhondok screws up a business meeting because he took over the presentation for a sick co-worker at the last minute, and failed to realize that the project was a real time travel machine (not a video game). But since it’s a time machine, he decides to try to use it to undo his mistake. The result is, to quote the Amazon description, “5,200 words of sizzling human on gay abstract concept action.”

Money Quotes:

My company, Butt Industries, does plenty of research and development on an assortment of projects…. (loc 51)

Tingle’s worldbuilding fascinates me. Like, there’s an oddly coherent…no, coherent isn’t the word; there’s an oddly comprehensive world lurking in the background of his works.

“Well, let’s see,” the strange man says, eyeing me up. “I’m guessing that you’re from a fictional universe, because you haven’t been described very well physically.” Time reaches over and tousles my shaggy black hair. “See, you didn’t even know that your hair was shaggy until I interacted with it. That’s just lazy writing right there.” (loc 219)

What? NO IT ISN’T. That’s actually decent writing, once you get past the weirdness of “eyeing me up.”

In fact, they’re probably not even reading this to get off.

“What do you mean?” I ask him bluntly, my words forever sealed within the pages of this short story.

Most people are laughing at us, Chuck inform me. (loc 289)

Not even the missing “s” can blunt the sheer pathos of that exchange. I’M NOT CRYING, I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

The end of the Tingleverse is called the Tingularity. This is a universe that can no longer become gayer, a place of infinite butts. (loc 342)

Verdict: As always, Tingle’s portrayal of the working guy is sympathetic; one senses Dr. Tingle really understands the stress of trying to survive in this economy. He also seems to have an in-depth understanding of the sadness of being a fictional character, not to mention of being an erotic author mainly read for laughs.

The big red button re-appears in this one, which means it’s part of the continuity that includes Chocolate Milk Cowboys. It also mentions Reamed by my Reaction to the Title of This Book, and Rhondok (after learning he was once a Bigfoot who was a lawyer and a doctor) chooses to become a billionaire jet plane in the end. I desperately want someone to draw me a diagram of the Tingleverse now.

 

 

review: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Title: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to cirque dinosaure

WhatWhat: Heroine Amber is trapped in Cirque Dinosaure, scheduled to perform and die for the amusement of, well, dinosaurs. But her hero-lover, billionaire unicorn-T-rex Trevor Thor, shows up to save the day. WHich is the least he can do, really, since it was his stupid housekeeper’s stupid prophecy that released the dinosaurs back when he was deflowering Amber.

Money Quote:

Maybe I could imagine a classic song, like Xanadu, and think of Trevor’s big dinosaur cock as my lucky pole. (loc 214)

A CLASSIC SONG LIKE XANADU. I literally shrieked with joy and horror at that line.

Verdict: You already know I love these stories. I’m running out of ways to explain to people just how perfect my inner twelve-year-old finds this series of erotic short stories, and also it’s making people look at me funny. But these are PERFECT, and if they come out as a paperback bundle, literally every adult I’m on gift-giving terms with is getting that for Christmas.

review: Taken Back in Time: French White Wig Times

Title: Taken Back in Time: French White Wig Times

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken back in time

WhatWhat: After the dance-off and the T-Rex sex, Amber Avery finds herself (and her lover, Unicorn T-Rex billionaire Trevor Thor) in 1771 France, at a ball thrown by Thor’s mother. His younger self is also in attendance (and so is the Marquis de Sade), which inevitably leads to a threesome (with both Trevors and Amber, I mean, not the marquis), because who would want to miss that opportunity? No one, that’s who.

Money Quotes:

“Your Grace,” he said softly. (I had taken French in high school and community college.) (loc 30)

His testicles lay beneath it like two giant marbles in a rainbow-striped sack. (loc 35)

What Every Woman Really Wants From Her Unicorn Lover:

“Trevor,” I whispered. “Take me out into the garden. Make love to me by a fountain or a statue of an angel.” (loc 61)

Verdict: I could have gone on listing my favourite lines all day. I go around in real life reading parts of this out loud to people. I haven’t even included the twins on the special saddle or why Trevor is “an excellent multi-tasker” (loc 99), because I’m trying not to spoil the entire thing for you. It is SUBLIME.

Review: The Ruins: An Avernus Island Tale

Title: The Ruins: An Avernus Island Tale (also available on amazon.com)

Author: Jennifer Kohout

Whatwhat: Minotaur; Time Travelruins

Length: 77 pages, which sometimes felt long. That might be a side effect of having recently read too many quick-and-dirty erotic short stories, though.

On the plus side, this gave the author a lot more scope for world-building and character development; at times it read like a romance novel, perhaps a hot category romance, rather than the typical kindle monster erotica. You could comfortably hand this to your mother or aunt without having to call the paramedics. There’s easily enough plot to carry the monster fucking.

But if you’re primarily looking for quick monster dick, this might not hold your interest. The monster doesn’t show up for real until past the 40% mark, and initially he’s in human form.

Contained a few glaring missed words or awkward sentences, but not nearly as many as is usual for the form. Still, a proofreader or beta reader should have caught those.

The verdict: GET IT. It’s free right now, but I would not have complained if it’d been in the $2.99 range.