review: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Title: Feeling the Bern in my Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

feeling the bern

WhatWhat: Lorp has never met a candidate quite like hot, handsome Democratic contender Bernie Sambers, and soon the charismatic unicorn is riding Lorp’s ass in a public display of…I don’t know, politics? Does this actually happen in American leadership campaigns?

Money Quotes: Brace yourselves, dear readers.

I’d heard a little bit about Bernie Sambers, but not enough to quell the immediate gagging sensation I feel at yet another slimy politician scrambling for my vote. (loc 22)

So far, so realistic.

Every sign that I see has a message that resonates deeply within me, deeper than any candidate has ever been able to reach. While most politicians craft messages that tug at my heartstrings, these seem to go even father. [sic] He’s tugging at my butt. (loc 45)

Naturally Lorp’s roommate asks him if he’s feeling the burn. But wait: there’s something odd about Bernie Sambers:

From somewhere behind the hanging flags comes a stark white, galloping figure, his wintery mane flowing out behind him and the horn on his head shimmering brilliantly; Bernie Sambers. (loc 63)

This is honestly not all that different from encountering our-world Bernie supporters online, right down to the wonky punctuation.

I’m greeted by a sensual explosion of taste that shifts between cotton candy, bubblegum and cherry. This man can truly do no wrong. (loc 194)

Well, okay, I’ve never encountered a BernieBro so enthused he’d actually tasted the man.

“You trust me with your vote,” the unicorn laughs, “don’t you trust me with your butt?” (loc 212)

Yikes.

I can feel the democratic socialist vibrations filling my ass with warmth and then spilling out across my body, running down my arms and legs in a series of pleasant waves. (loc 226)

As a Canadian I’m feeling a little cheated. I mean, we’re socialist-ish, and all we get is free healthcare.

…no, never mind, I’d rather have the healthcare.

Anyway, I leave you with one last glimpse into how politics work in the Tingleverse. Or for all I know, how they actually work in the United States, because I’ll admit I have no idea what’s going on down there.

“I am pleased to say that Lorp Rims is my new running mate!” the unicorn bellows as we gallop past the onlookers, the cock still slamming away at my asshole. (loc 247)

Yes, that’s right: Lorp’s displaying his suitability for office by being fucked by a galloping unicorn as it passes through a crowd of supporters. I’m assuming that’s a metaphor for something.

Verdict: The American election cycle has already gone on forever, and I’ve read more politician-based erotica than anyone should have to, but this was admittedly entertaining. (Also, I’ve spoken to Bernie supporters who would probably believe the magical unicorn part. So there’s that.) I think I can safely say that this story was unforgettable, if only because my liver would never survive the amount I’d have to drink to forget it.

unicorn erotica

Doctor Unicorn’s Secret Mistress Doctor Unicorn's Secret Mistress 2

Innocent virgin Chelsea Blandford finds herself in a very exclusive hospital, under the care of arrogant unicorn Doctor Travan Shinestab. Will she submit to his demands and endure his highly unusual treatment?
5000 words of romance-saturated unicorn erotica; for mature readers only.

Unicorn SheikRavished by the Unicorn Sheik

Jessica Winters wasn’t expecting much excitement on her brother’s archeological expedition, but that was before she met Sheik Zacharan. The handsome unicorn has plans of his own.
If you read E.M.Hull’s classic novel and thought “this needs less rape, way fewer words, and a unicorn,” this is the story you’ve been waiting for.

review: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Title: Taken to Cirque Dinosaure

Author: Countess von Fondle

taken to cirque dinosaure

WhatWhat: Heroine Amber is trapped in Cirque Dinosaure, scheduled to perform and die for the amusement of, well, dinosaurs. But her hero-lover, billionaire unicorn-T-rex Trevor Thor, shows up to save the day. WHich is the least he can do, really, since it was his stupid housekeeper’s stupid prophecy that released the dinosaurs back when he was deflowering Amber.

Money Quote:

Maybe I could imagine a classic song, like Xanadu, and think of Trevor’s big dinosaur cock as my lucky pole. (loc 214)

A CLASSIC SONG LIKE XANADU. I literally shrieked with joy and horror at that line.

Verdict: You already know I love these stories. I’m running out of ways to explain to people just how perfect my inner twelve-year-old finds this series of erotic short stories, and also it’s making people look at me funny. But these are PERFECT, and if they come out as a paperback bundle, literally every adult I’m on gift-giving terms with is getting that for Christmas.

review: Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

Title: Hunter Dentist Pounded In The Butt By Cecil The Handsome Unicorn

Author: The Immortal Chuck Tingle

hunter dentist

WhatWhat: In order to feel like a real man with a big dick, obnoxious dentist Dr. Milber pays to go kill a beautiful unicorn, but instead finds himself overcome with gay desire and letting the unicorn mount him, in the non-trophy sense of the word mount.

Money Quotes:

Don’t get me wrong, I get hard just thinking about pulling another tooth or shooting a wolf in the face, but is that really all there is to life? (loc 35)

I reach down and pull off my shirt, revealing an incredible set of abs that can only be attained after years of strenuous dentistry. (loc 295)

That sentence is a thing of beauty.

Verdict: This feels inevitable, somehow. Dr. Tingle’s ability to react instantaneously to current events by shooting out streams of erotica is amazing and, frankly, a little terrifying.

Sadly, this was a little shorter than most Tingle efforts; the second half is a reprint of Angry Man Pounded By The Fear Of His Latent Gayness Over a Dinosaur Transitioning Into a Unicorn. But that feels fitting, in a way.

review: Taken for Ice Cream

Title: Taken for Ice Cream (My Billionaire Unicorn T-Rex Shifter 1)

Author: Countess Von Fondle

taken for ice cream

WhatWhat: We’ve already reviewed Taken to Da Club. Taken for Ice Cream is the first installment of this incredible saga. Innocent virgin Amber Avery, a completely original character in no way resembling Ana Steele, delivers an envelope to the 175th-floor office of billionaire unicorn Trevor Thor. When she trips and knocks herself unconscious he heals her, and then takes her for ice cream. Amber gets eaten (the fun way) and then Thor turns into a T-Rex and eats an ice cream shop employee (in the non-fun way).

Money Quotes:

The executive floor receptionist had given me a miniature oxygen tank. (loc 10)

I smelled his unicorn scent. Cotton candy and sunlight with hints of butterscotch and sandalwood. (loc 85)

There was just too much beauty to see. Was this what the great Thomas Kincade felt like when he finished painting one of his masterpieces? (loc 144)

Verdict: GLORIOUS.

Okay, I have Kindle Unlimited precisely to try to keep up with my short-porn impulse habits, and I STILL bought this. If it comes out as a paperback bundle, I’ll buy it again. Mind you, I’ve also bought Chuck Tingle in paperback, so you may not want to base your purchasing habits on mine.

review: Taken to Da Club: My Billionaire Unicorn T-Rex Shifter 4

You guys, Chuck Tingle has some serious competition. And it’s het. Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Yes, this is book four in a series. No, I don’t know why I read this one first. I think it popped up in my Amazon recommendations. Now tracking down the rest of the series is my life’s goal.

Title: Taken to Da Club: My Billionaire Unicorn T-Rex Shifter 4

Author: Countess Von Fondle

All you other dinosaur eroticists can just go home. We have reached Peak Dinosaur.
All you other dinosaur eroticists can just go home. We have reached Peak Dinosaur.

WhatWhat: Unicorn Billionaire Trevor Thor has drawn up a girlfriend contract for Amber Avery, but she won’t sign because she wants both sides of him, including his dark, T-Rex side. This leads to a dance-off and sex and ends in time travel. Doesn’t it always.

Somewhere Lisa Frank is Weeping and Reaching for a Bottle of Vodka and She Doesn’t Even Know Why:

…the penguin-printed bathrobe I’d thrown on over my underwear. (loc 142)

I saw glimpses of tigers, panthers, polar bears and even a standard poodle. (loc 158)

This was not like the glittery, rainbow, starlight orgasms I’d experienced with Trevor in his unicorn form. (loc 271)

Money Quotes:

That voice… Like black velvet dipped in honey dipped in real butter. It compelled me to obey. (loc 54)

My heart raced at his nearness, at his intoxicating scent. Cotton candy and sunlight with hints of butterscotch and sandalwood. In his anger, I also caught a whiff of cedar. (loc 65)

Its scent perfumed the air–musky like a forest, salty like a prehistoric sea. For some reason I wanted a rare steak. (loc 297)

Verdict: From the cover to the author’s name through the story and right up to the other titles in the series, this was perfection. PERFECTION. Why are these not available in paperback? Or as a poster series?

Other Titles in the Series: Apparently the first one, which I have not yet read, is called Taken for Ice Cream. And the sequel to this part is called Taken Back in Time: French White Wig Times.

Review: Top Horn: Turned Gay by the Unicorn Pilots

Title: Top Horn: Turned Gay by the Unicorn Pilots

Author: the immortal Chuck Tingle

top hornWhatWhat: After Nick catches his girlfriend cheating, he joins the air force (as one does) and qualifies to be on an elite squad of fighter pilots, but all the other pilots in his squad are unicorns (because of course they are). He wins their respect and they have group human-unicorn sex.

Money Quotes:

Never before had I desired another man, or anything with a cock for that matter, but these unicorns have a charisma that is hard to ignore. (loc 96)

How could I not have realized that my ex-girlfriend had been an elite T-rex spy this entire time? (loc 138)

“Peanut butter! Sparkles! You two hit them with covering fire!” Shouts Briggs over our headsets. “Black Stallion you cover the rear! The rest of you take the guard planes while me and the new guy go straight for the bomber.”

“My name is Nick.” I tell them. “But you can call me…Clover.” (loc 146)

Verdict: If that last quotation doesn’t make you want to read this, I can’t help you, man. YOU CAN CALL ME CLOVER. I actually might whisper that to my husband in bed sometime just to watch his reaction.