review: Hotwife Hotel (Hotwives Gone Wild Book 1)

Title: Hotwife Hotel

Author: Leda Lakynn

hotwife hotel

WhatWhat: Jon and Claire, a married couple who are bored and cranky with each other, are taking a vacation to try to rekindle their desire. They end up staying at the HW’s Bed & Breakfast, where a special drink turns Claire into a hotwife. If you don’t know what that is you’re not alone, but based on this story it’s a wildly horny woman interested in fucking other men in front of her husband.

Money Quotes:

The love packed its bags, moved out, went across the country and drowned in the Atlantic Ocean. I can’t remember the last time he paid attention to my pussy, or my tits, or, hell, gave me a decent kiss. (loc 36)

As tragic as that is, I’m getting a little turned on here by the author’s skillful use of commas. Oh, baby. You have no idea how much that means to me.

By the time dinner wrapped up, I felt the overwhelming urge to get fucked and not by my husband. I needed strange cock and lots of it. (loc 191)

All of our marital problems seemed to melt away in an instant. I’d find another man to satisfy my sexual needs, and Jon would get off to it. (loc 228)

I’m no marriage counselor, but I have my doubts that this would work for most people.

Verdict: I realize not everyone shares my kink for proper punctuation and sentence structure, but this was too skillfully written for me to not mention it. Every single dialogue tag dropped into place perfectly. Damn, girl.

As someone who dreads having to so much as make small talk with strangers at hotels, this was a slightly scary scenario, but since the characters were obviously having a good time I was able to relax and just go with it.

review: Culkolded by the Lumberjacks

You wouldn’t think, looking at that title (or the cover), that this could turn out to have anything to do with the American election. But I’ve entered some previously-undiscovered circle of hell, and everything I read this week turns out to have Donald Trump in it.

Title: Culkolded by the Lumberjacks: The Helpless Treehugger

Author: Bibi Baxter

culkholded lumberjacks

WhatWhat: Aiden is president of Trees Before People, and when his wife chains herself to a tree to prevent the Drumph Real Estate Corporation from clearcutting he sneaks back to watch over her, and sees her take on three burly lumberjacks and Drumph himself.

Money Quotes:

It was going to be a good day for Trees Before People, the conservation activist group I was the current president of. For two weeks we had managed to prevent Drumph Realty Corporation from razing a patch of untouched forest, the only natural habitat of the Spotted Tick, one of Mother Earth’s most precious creatures. (loc 18)

Oh goody, this is being told from the point of view of my ex-husband.

I could tell by the way her D-cup breasts bounced under the cotton of her tank top she wasn’t even wearing a bra. I mean, it was her right as a feminist and everything, and she certainly didn’t need one since they were so full and perky, but I could see her large nipples straining to poke through the fabric. (loc 43)

I also noticed she was wearing her good underwear, the lacy black ones she only wore on my birthday. When the blond thug ripped them down her legs, I was even more surprised to see that she was completely shaven. (loc 178)

Yes, okay, they’re easy shots, but they’re taken with such lazy grace that I’m in love.

Natasha never let me enter that hole. According to her it was misogynist and degrading. Now she was about to let some stranger do it…with a dick that was twice my size!” (loc 241)

Verdict: God damn it, I didn’t want this to turn out to be hot. I really, REALLY didn’t want it to turn out to be hot and then have Donald Trump turn up, thereby running the risk of some horrible cross-pollination taking place in my subconscious mind. (But I think I’m okay. More than 24 hours have passed and I still find him sexually uninteresting. I may have natural immunity.)

This was funny and clever and refreshingly grammatical, and a pleasure to read. And then unexpectedly hot, which I suppose would usually be a bonus but in this instance was slightly worrying.

review: Dominated for the Billionaire’s Enjoyment

Title: Dominated for the Billionaire’s Enjoyment

Author: Doreen Kain

dominated for the billionaire's enjoyment

WhatWhat: Terry is at a bar called The Chambers, when a self-assured, attractive dom invites him to play. The dom has a friend with him, an older man who likes to watch. After some flogging and oral, he gives Terry an invitation to an exclusive play party at a private mansion…

Money Quotes:

Quickly I swallowed the last of my drink – no dom was worth wasting a mudslide, the greatest drink in the world. (I like to call them “white Russians” or “Kryceks”.) (loc 25)

I did my best to suck, but it wasn’t really necessary because Dave was fucking my mouth and he clearly didn’t require anything but compliance from me. (loc 135)

Verdict: Fairly typical m/m bdsm billionaire story, but punches above its weight because the author has such a firm grasp of the mechanics, both of writing and of kink. Sly sense of humour peeks through, and sex scenes scorchingly illustrate the pleasures of submission.

review: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Title: Guess Who’s Coming At Dinner?

Author: Tabatha Austin

guess who's coming at dinner

WhatWhat: Michael’s the product of a cloning experimentation: he’s a Modified Human, who looks like a mini T-Rex. So when Jessica brings him along to dinner at her friends’ place, her formerly open-minded friends display some bigoted behaviour that she decides to correct by fucking Michael in front of them on the dining room table.

Money Quote:

Michael’s sharp British voice spoke out. “Ah, quite the appetizer. Your pussy is as delicious as ambrosia. Truly a feast for the gods!”

My pussy muscles clenched and quivered as he spoke. “How about a second helping dinoman?”

“Smashing idea. I believe I shall.” (loc 274)

Verdict: British accents do that to me too, although not generally at dinner parties. I loved the set-up/backstory; it’s pretty much the only dino-porn scenario that makes actual sense. A fun read.

review: Captured by Cavemen (Laura Bliss)

Title: Captured by Cavemen

Author: Laura Bliss

Whatwhat: Horny archeology students have sudden encounter with well-endowed cavemen.cavemen

Length: 11 inches. NO, SORRY. 20 pages.

The first page of chapter one puts us at the 5% (locations 14-16 of 245) mark. Oh yeah. That’s the sign of a story that’s going to get down to business.

And it does: We have mildly lesbian shaving by 12%, voyeurism at 29%, and the heroine has sex with a professor at 49%. What we don’t have are any cavemen, at least not until 70%/location 175, when they show up to kidnap the heroine and Larissa, the “slutty” girl. Of course the slutty girl gets it from a caveman first because OF COURSE SHE DOES. The book ends when it’s the heroine’s turn.

Things that make me side-eye the female-sounding-pseudonym: Larissa plays with her own breasts; the virgin of the group casually plays with the heroine while shaving her; “I didn’t bother wiping my slit after pissing.”; “This time it wasn’t my stomach that had the sinking feeling it was my groin.”

Money quote: “I drank a bottle of wine and tried to read a book. I picked a romance novel with some sappy heroine who didn’t recognize a good fuck when she was offered one and that just frustrated me even more.” (locations 104-7; 42%). SHOTS FIRED, Y’ALL.

Oh HELL no: “Larissa screamed each time he filled her cervix…” CERVIXES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Verdict: Ludicrous and entertaining, and FREE RIGHT NOW, so yeah. Go read it. Better yet, read it out loud to someone.