review: The Audition

Title: The Audition (A Wife Sharing Short)

Author: Emilia Steele

audition

WhatWhat: Jeff takes his wife to “audition” as a dancer for a rap video, and gets to watch her be fucked by the rapper. By the end she’s being used by Marcus’ whole entourage, and apparently happy with this.

Money Quotes:

She sways her curvy body to the hypnotic base, while King watches approvingly, lewdly licking his dark, full lips. (loc 32)

Countdown until someone gets called “chocolate.”

Marcus King is our favorite hip-hop artist. His catchy booty-poppin’ anthems are a guilty pleasure of ours. None of our friends have any idea that we, a highly educated, middle-class white couple in our late twenties secretly love blasting his records while driving. They’d probably be aghast that we’d associate ourselves with such a hoodlum. (loc 58)

So this is set in an alternate universe where the fifties never ended and people give a flying fuck what music you listen to in the car?

A louder and stronger voice, the primal side of me, wants that to happen. I want to see my wife surrender herself to this big black brute, to lose herself in ecstasy, to easily and without question obey his every command. (loc 171)

Bad news, Jeff: your primal side is a racist, and should go fuck itself.

She lost count as they used her like a cumdumpster, coating her from head to toe in black semen. (loc 480)

The word black is thrown around a LOT in this story (black hand, black giant, etc. etc.), but “black semen” has to be the weirdest use.

Verdict: Holy Fuck, this was an uncomfortable read. I mean, this is incredibly upfront about its Weird Race Shit, and I don’t want to kinkshame anyone, but…Holy Fuck. I’m a little amazed that this is anyone’s kink.

I went into this expecting hotwife or cuckolding shenanigans (based on the subtitle). Looking back now at the Amazon blurb, I should have known what I was actually getting:

Marcus King is a black superstar, the biggest rapper in the game. When Jeff sees that the black stud is having open auditions for his next video, he convinces his wife to try out.

See? In retrospect it’s perfectly clear what that’s supposed to be signalling.  Lesson learned: if someone is described as black twice within a two-sentence summary, there’s going to be weird race stuff.

review: This American Butt Hosted by Ira Ass

Once again I had to have an American friend explain the reference to me.

Title: This American Butt Hosted by Ira Ass

Author: Chuck Tingle

this american butt

WhatWhat: Jols Dorp, longtime fan of “This American Butt,” wins the program’s cutest butt contest and gets up close and personal with stegosaurus host Ira Ass.

Money Quotes:

When you live on the edge of town but work in the city, the daily commute just becomes part of your existence. You’re not bothered by insane amounts of traffic because, in a sense, traffic becomes you. (loc 1)

That’s arguably the most depressing intro to a piece of erotica I’ve ever read. It does nicely set up the main character’s interest in the podcast, though.

Of course, Ira Ass is a stegosaurus, which gives his voice a certain reptilian edge, but I’ve heard plenty of dinosaur speakers in the past and none of them quite fall into this exact category. (loc 31)

Friends I consulted who are familiar with the our-world equivalent assured me this rings true.

I drop my pants and turn around, holding out my camera phone behind me and struggling to find the best angle of my cute, muscular ass. (loc 55)

I bet in the Tingleverse there’s a popular social media site called Facebutt.

…grabbing my small carry on bag and taking off down the isle…(loc 66)

No.

Besides, it’s not gay if it’s between a dinosaur radio host and a human man, especially if it’s in the context of a radio contest. (loc 125)

Well, I can’t argue with that.

“Shove that dinosaur radio host cock up into my asshole.” (loc 193)

Verdict:  I enjoyed it as a commentary on present day society, but I suspect you have to have heard the radio show to truly appreciate the erotic aspect.

review: Living Inside my own Butt for Eight Years

Title: Living Inside My Own Butt For Eight Years, Starting A Business And Turning A Profit Through Common Sense Reinvestment And Strategic Targeted Marketing

Author: Chuck Tingle

living inside my own butt

WhatWhat: Travis gets hit by a car and wakes up with huge medical bills, because that’s how America works. Then he meets wealthy investor Barko (Sir Barkono Shibbery), who has plans for Travis’ butt, and not the usual plans you’d find in a Chuck Tingle story. Or, well: yes, those plans too. But also ones to do with strategic investment.

Money Quotes:

The mysterious, wealthy man is dressed to the nines, looking sharp in a green velvet suit and matching top hat that are both covered in dollar signs. (loc 54)

Subtle. Also, I was honestly expecting this person to turn out to be a pick-up artist.

“Butthole investment?” I counter, not quite sure what he means by this strange, new term.

“Did you know that the most profitable place to run a business is inside the body of a handsome man?” Barko questions. “Specifically, inside of his butthole.” (loc 105)

No wonder so many investors are assholes.

We start by investigating the ecosystem of my anus. Barko explains that even though it looks fantastic from the outside, there is no telling what waits within. Fortunately, what we find is a stunning collection of hills and valleys, a gorgeous landscape covered in lush green forests and beautiful flowing rivers. (loc 114)

I’m having trouble accepting that as “lucky.” It sounds more in the realm of “painful” to be honest.

We name this particular region of my butthole Plobus Valley, an attractive name that translates to “place of sweet riches” in the language of the natives who inhabit my body. It also makes for a great wine brand. (loc 142)

IN THE LANGUAGE OF THE NATIVES WHO LIVE UP HIS ARSE.

Verdict: My head hurts, but I’m marginally less confused than I usually am after reading about investment strategies.

review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Title: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

Author: Chuck Tingle

creamed in the butt

WhatWhat: Matthew McConneymay, a farmer attending the annual California Farming Convention, loses his heart (and ass) to a handsome ear of corn, jeopardizing both his current farming contract with the beets and his own future happiness.

Spoiler Alert: This doesn’t have a happy ending, and one of the quotes further down in this review gives away the hilarious tragedy.

Continue reading review: Creamed in the Butt by my Handsome Living Corn

review: Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt

That’s a whole new level of recursion, right there.

Title: Pounded in the Butt By My Own Butt

Author: Chuck Tingle

pounded in the butt by my own butt

This is sort of a conclusion to Anally Yours, The Unicorn Sailor, so if for some unfathomable reason you care about spoilers…yeah, it’s probably not even worth finishing that sentence.

WhatWhat: Following on from scientific developments on Huntertuck Island, Rubble Biological Labs conduct experiments in cloning, one of which uses cells from Kirk’s ass, brain, and an eagle. The result is a flying sentient butt which Kirk falls in love with. And fucks. Like you do. Also he names it Portock, because I DON’T FUCKING KNOW WHY, ALL RIGHT?

Money Quote:

The next thing I know, I’m sitting across from my own ass, looking deep within his soulful eye. (loc 126)

Verdict: I don’t even know anymore. I’m in some kind of kindleporn coma at the moment. It was genius, in its own way.