Review: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

Title: Bigfoot Pirates Haunt My Balls

Author: Chuck Tingle

bigfoot piratesWhatWhat: You know what, I’m just going to quote from the book description, because it tells you all you need to know except why:

When the most notorious bigfoot pirate, Lorko the Black, is killed off the coast of Santa Monica, a man named Andy begins to feel a mysterious throbbing in his balls. After a trip to the doctor, Andy soon learns that what seemed like a coincidence is actually an acute case of haunted balls, and the only prescription is a bigfoot ghost pirate gangbang!

Money Quote:

“But don’t get too excited.” Dr. Torp tells me. “You’re still in a world of trouble. I’m afraid your balls are haunted.” (loc 56)

I gasp in astonishment, completely blindsided by this revelation. “Lorko the Black has been gay this whole time?” I ask. “That’s amazing.” (loc 112)

Verdict: I am never going to get over how the main character calmly accepts “haunted balls” as a diagnosis, but then is completely shocked by the revelation that the ghost is gay. Right. Because that’s the shocking bit.

review: Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Title: Vindicated by the Dinosaur Ghost

Author: Twisty McCox

vindicated by the dinosaur ghost

WhatWhat: Psychic Paleontologist Rob has always believed dinosaurs were sentient, so he feels vindicated when the ghost of one shows up in his tent at night (at a dig in Alberta) to fuck him up the arse.

Money Quote:

With that thrill of paleontological validation – he knew the dinosaurs would speak to him! he knew it! – Rob came with a sob, clenching down upon the mass inside him, feeling its answering throb. (loc 170)

Verdict: If I was being mocked by my colleagues for my mysticism and my completely unfounded beliefs, I’d want more “vindication” than some invisible anal that proved nothing to anyone else. But hey, it’s still probably the most exciting thing to ever happen in the Alberta badlands. And this was really well-written illogical porn. I enjoyed it.

review: Taken in the Haunted House

Title: Taken in the Haunted House

Author: Ruby Winchester

taken in the haunted house

WhatWhat: Sara wakes up in the haunted house at the edge of town, where numerous ghosts and one really well-endowed demon fuck her.

Money Quote:

“Sara,” it breathed, sounding more like wind blowing over dry leaves than a human voice. (loc 39)

Or possibly:

Finally the ghost froze and an icy cold fluid filled my mouth. It felt like breathing in the vapor from dry ice. (loc 92)

Verdict: It disturbs me a little that I found this erotic, but I did. I think the creepy setting gave it a definite edge.

Ends at: 62%/loc 227. The rest is advertising. Which is fine–the story is as long as it needs to be; I’m not a fan of extraneous words–but if previews bug you, consider yourself warned.